i'm not going to tennessee today.

Today is the day we leave for Tennessee...except we're NOT.

Because I don't live in Florida anymore. Because the kids who I poured into and traveled with for five years aren't mine anymore. Because I'm not their youth pastor anymore.

This reality is hard on a daily basis. It's been almost a year and I still miss them with all my heart. But it's a reality made even harder on special days, like this one. The day we're not going to Tennessee.

I spent seven years with the same kids, five as their youth pastor, and in those five years we traveled...A LOT. Seventeen times, to be exact. And those are just the out-of-state, more-than-one-night trips. We also went camping and to camp, overnight beach and concert trips, and trips with just leaders. Some trips were with organizations and some we organized. Five of those trips were a high-school only conference* in Pigeon Forge this third weekend of January, when the kids have an extra day or two off of school.We went from traveling with ten students and leaders in 2011 to forty by 2013. That's just shy of 100% of our high school students. Amazing. Tennessee became THE trip of the year.

Traveling with the kids was no doubt my favorite part of the job. It's not a surprise, really. As a kid, my favorite computer "game" was my dad's Rand McNally Map Maker CD-ROM. It was basically MapQuest or Google Maps before the internet was a thing. My favorite Christmas gift was a kid's atlas that I highlighted, marked up, and paged through until the glossy red cover fell off. My dad traveled a lot for work and I grew up in a family that took a lot of vacations together. As a young adult I moved across the country, ensuring much travel back and forth. Somehow travel became part of my DNA, a core value, and though it was subconscious at first, that DNA also became part of my youth group.

At first it might seem selfish, because gallivanting across the country costs time and money and the camp-high lasts about a week. It's so much prep work, time off work, coordinating of schedules and meals and drivers and rooms. Is it really worth it?

YES.

It is so worth it.

I have this "theology of travel" that I've been thinking through the last couple months. It's dawned on me that so many youth pastors DON'T travel much with their students. A "big" trip is heading an hour away for a weekend. When I tell them I took forty people on a fourteen-hour roadtrip, they look at me in panic. (I don't even tell them about the time we took two days and drove all the way from Florida to Michigan). It has caused me to ask: why the panic?

In talking with some of my students ministry friends, I've discovered three common reasons** why youth pastors don't travel:

1) They're lazy. Planning a trip is a TON of work. Repeat: A TON OF WORK. It is a daunting task! From picking a trip to setting payment deadlines to coordinating schedules and planning every detail, it really is overwhelming. But since when is it okay to be scared of a ton of work?! Recruit volunteers and leaders to help with the details. Make a timeline of when things need to be done...looking at each individual component of a trip is so much easier to handle than the whole thing at once! In my humble opinion, there is just no room for laziness in ministry. Stop putting it off, balance your schedule, and find time to plan.

2) Cost. Yes, trips cost money. Camps, mission trips, conferences...all $$$. So cost can be an obstacle...or it can be an opportunity to get creative. Fundraisers are your friends, as are generous people just waiting to be asked. And a trip doesn't have to cost a fortune...with some effort, you can pull off your own low budget retreat (but you'll have to get over hurdle #1 for that). I think cost can so quickly become another excuse to be lazy and not plan anything, when instead it should just be a known thing that we need to creatively figure out.

3) They don't know how. So you've moved past lazy and you're not letting cost hold you back...but where do you start? That might just be the hardest part. No doubt your mailbox is full of flashy flyers and you're bombarded daily with potential events. But once you've selected your trip, it's time to get down and dirty in the details BUT LIKE HOW?!? My solution to that is a few paragraphs below :)

Y'all, I've been in ministry for years. I've felt the shadow of excuses and pushed past them. Why? Because travel matters. Here's why:

1) It's biblical. Ok, there is no verse (that I know of) that says, "Thou shalt travel with thy youth group or the Lord shall smite thee." But read your Bible and look at all the freaking travel that happens ALL. THE TIME. The Israelites? They casually travelled through the desert for 40 years (which I don't recommend for your next trip, btw). Paul, Timothy, and other believers and preachers traveled regularly. Yes, the intent of their trips was to teach the Gospel, but I've got to believe they did an awful lot of learning as they encountered new people and cultures. Oh and then there's this Jesus guy and his disciples...remember the sermon he gave telling people to "go and make disciples"? those two letters - GO - are huge. Again, they were to go for the purpose of making disciples, but don't you also think maybe "going" had to do a bit with the way their own souls would be touched through travel?

2) A fresh perspective. One of my favorite quotes (because of its complete truth in my life) by Mark Batterson is this: "change of pace + change of place = change of perspective." There is something to be said about what happens in your soul when you get out of your every day sameness and open your eyes to the world around you. It's why I never let my kids take cell phones and other electronics with them on our trips. Remember that verse about "where your treasure is, there your heart will be also"? I want to challenge what they treasure. Sometimes that means complete removal from "normal." Every trip they complain for about ten minutes, and then by the end of the week they THANK me for the break. They are slaves to their cell phones, unbeknownst to them until they are forced to go without. Life is slower when they are not trying to capture every moment for Snapchat, and they are there in the moment, really living. It's a change of pace.

We mix it with a change of place for so many reasons. I love providing an experience for my kids that they otherwise would never have. For many of my kids, our trips were their first time out of Florida, their first time on an airplane, their first time away from their parents, their first time seeing snow. It's almost magical to be able to experience that joy when they pick up that first handful of fluffy white powder. They meet new people and experience new cultures and laugh at different accents. Most of our trips were to the mountains, and I think there is something sacred about that as well. Noah's ark came to rest atop a mountain. It was on a mountain where God gave the Israelites the Ten Commandments. God chose a mountaintop to spare Isaac, blessing Abraham with the promise of numerous descendants. Jesus' most well-known teaching is titled "the Sermon on the Mount," and it was on a mountain that he ascended to heaven. Mountains dotted the topography of the entire Bible. The songwriters and prophets alluded to them time and again. There has to be something there, right? I guess I really can only speak for myself, but I find mountains to be a thin place, one of those "rare locales where the distance between heaven and earth collapses." It's in hiking to a waterfall or summiting a giant mountain that God is the most real to me.

A change of pace and place combine to change perspective, and isn't that what we all need? A reminder that our life and struggle are momentary, that there are people and places out there beyond just what we know, and that this God who holds it all together loves us so, so much.

3) R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P-S. Written like that for intentional emphasis, because something magical happens at about hour 6.5 on I-75. When you cram that many people into mini-vans for hours at a time, fueled by Taco Bell and 5 Hour Energy, with no electronics or entertainment but each other...it's magical. Perfect. Hilarious. LOUD. But so, so beautiful. The conversations we have in the vans, hotel rooms, tents, small group times, and hikes are beyond anything that happens in the normal 2-3 hours a week on Wednesdays or Sundays that we spend with our students. We even used to pick up friends in South Carolina and Atlanta because why not? Relationships. And it's not just students bonding with students. They also see leaders let their guards down, acting crazy, drinking way too much Mountain Dew in their Star Wars jammies. What's so cool is that those relationships LAST. You go back home with everyone you experienced this trip with (hopefully! Remember that time Hunter almost didn't make it home?!). So these relationships don't just last a week and then exist only in the sphere of social media; they are relationships that exist as long as these students and leaders are in that ministry (and possibly beyond). And finally, leaders bond with leaders. Many of my best Florida friendships came out of youth trips...kind of crazy.

Obviously this is not a conclusive list. I didn't even touch on the spiritual transformation that happens during a well-programmed retreat. I hope that is a given, and my focus in writing this is kind of on everything else, but it can't be totally ignored. The opportunity to worship with hundreds or thousands, to hear incredible and inspiring messages from difference voices...these are all things I couldn't give my kids if we never left Lakeland. The speakers may say the same thing I've been telling them for years, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone else for it to really sink in. My favorite trip memories are sitting around the fire in Ohio, and sitting on the steps in Michigan, with everyone just kind of at a loss for words to explain the feeling God had placed in their hearts. Thoughts came out as tears, and those tears said more that words ever could.

This has gotta come to a wrap, but it's hard because I could probably go on FOREVER with reasons why youth groups need to travel together. Like I said in the beginning, traveling became part of the DNA of my youth group while I was there. Having these experiences created memories and traditions that the kids still talk about. Our travels were life-shaping experiences, and as I look at my former students growing through the years, I can point out specific changes in each of them that resulted from one of our trips together.

If you're a youth pastor reading this, please consider taking your kids somewhere this summer. Actually don't even consider it...just do it. I will help you. I mentioned earlier that I had a solution for youth pastors who don't even know where to begin planning. That solution is www.shotgunkatie.com.   If you click that link, it will bring you to a website I'm still working on, but just really feel like tonight is the night to launch it and just throw my big audacious idea out there to y'all. I'm so passionate about kids and leaders taking trips that I want to offer you my knowledge and skills to help make that happen. I'll walk with you through the steps, give you packing lists, let you know the forty-seven things you haven't thought of but probably should. An incredibly wise volunteer leader once told me that my job on a youth trip [as the youth pastor] was simply to care for the spiritual lives of my students. I want you to be able to feel that, instead of stressing over every single detail. Shotgun Katie is me riding shotgun, helping you navigate your trip. I'll explain the name more later. I really don't have a plan for it, any idea how it's going to work...I just know it's been on my mind for a long time and I want to help as many of you as I can. So when the website is for real up and running, I'll let you know, but for now please email me (sarj47@gmail.com)! I would love to tackle your questions, share ideas, and help you every step of the way as we intentionally create a meaningful experience for your kids.

So that's all. Sorry not sorry I was long winded, but preachers gotta preach, you know? Little 9-year-old Sarah is still alive in my heart, clutching her map-making CD ROM. Are you with me?


*Shout out to our friends at the Scott Dawson Evangelistic Association for putting on Strength to Stand year after year. You're incredible, your conference is quality, and there are so many reasons we kept coming back. And AtlantaFest in June was a DREAM. (CIY, we LOVE you too! Mix, Move, and Believe have been pivotal formation points in my students' faith journeys. (Sorry about the time they broke curfew and your entire team AND campus security had to look for them.))

**Are there more than 3? Yes! Do youth pastors sometimes not have control over decisions like this? Sadly, yes! These are just the most common I've heard...feel free to add your own in the comments below.

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901west, I miss you. I miss holding our rocks in our right hands and not letting go and not crossing our arms and toilets flushing to set the mood. I miss stacks of pizza crusts 16 inches high. Victoria, I know your secret. Slim Jims. Peeing on the side of road...but not really. Meeting every one of our favorite rap artists. Falling on my butt 17 times because I am not a good hiker (thanks Little Sarah for always having my back). Catching fireflies. Being very, very close to getting kicked off an airplane. Breakdancing resulting in my pulled hamstring. That rental BMW swag. Prank calls. Foot charades. FUDGE POPS. And why do we ALWAYS have to deal with some sort of INSANE storm?! Roxanne the mini-van and the Vanpire Diaries. And Tuesday night. Forever and always, Tuesday night <3

Mark, Beth, Shelli, Kristi, Brent, Erika, Julie, Michael, Trevor, Josh, Pam, Rhena, Jordyn, Chris, David, Ryan, Phil, Lou, Katie, Amy, Eric, & Cathy - thanks for being student ministry rock stars and giving up your cozy beds for hotel floors and sorry excuse for a mattress in a dormitory. I love how you love students.

Julie, Jasen, Mike, Kim, Sam, John, Saul, Sharon, Heather, John, Mark, Lisa, Craig, Susie, Bobbi Jo, Eric, Steve, Lacy, David, Amy, Brent, Tina, Josh, Jessica, Wes, Marlena, Derrick, Jenna, Barb, Cathy, Jim, Marnie, Jay, Mark, Ruth, Bill, Emily, Michelle, Kym, Shawn, Kevin, Rhena, Brian, Kristi, Pam, Bob, David, Kim, April, Karl, Lori, Emily, Sean, Terry, Nancy (and 14 I no doubt forgot) - sometimes it still blows my mind that you just let your kids get in a van with me and hit the highway. You're so cool. Thanks for trusting me with the most precious things in your life.

And mostly: Jenn, Cody, Deborah, Caleb, Katie, Jordan, Kayla, Tyler, Wayde, Jordan, Cody, Kirstin, Katie, Alayna, Missy, Stephanie, Alex, Sam, Jean, Marcus, Eil, Sarah, Ashtyn, Taylor, Tanner, Ashley, Krista, Kandace, Judy, Justin, Sam, Alex, Libby, Ryan, Abby, Tatum, Matt, Aly, Eddie, Lucas, Nixie, Victoria, Rachael, Kari, Robbie, Abigail, Kassidy, Caleb, Arthur, Kara, Hannah, Holly, Josh, and Taylor - my heartbeat. You are my favorite travel companions both on the road and in life.

"There's a river rippling a whisper, the crickets sing their song to the trees. A place like this will sink down in your soul and you're only gonna want more. It's times like these that make you wanna slow to a creep, that make you want to breath in deep, real deep. It's times like these that make you sing 'I wanna believe there'll be more times like these." -Jake Ousley, Times Like These

why my bags are packed...again.

Y'ALL. Life changes in seven days. Hokey Pete. Looking back at things a week ago...looking at them today...seriously blowing my ever-loving mind.

Remember my whole platform (for pretty much the last...YEAR) about surrender and saying yes to God EVEN WHEN we don't know what it means or how it will work or where we're going? When we are brave enough to say yes, GOD DOES STUFF. Like bigger than we can ask or imagine and crazier than we dare to dream stuff.

Well...He's at it again. OBVIOUSLY.

One of my biggest "just trust" moments in moving was that once summer was over, I had no idea where I would be living. I also needed to secure an additional part-time job to be able to afford said living space. Oh and find a church...and some friends...you know, life.

I've been pretty chill about things all summer, not freaking out too much or worrying about it all working out. GOOD, because worry would have been a ROYAL WASTE OF TIME (about always is). But the most important thing to me in these living/working/community situations was church. I wanted to find a church I loved and could be active in, and it was important to me to live in the same town. Finding a church 45 minutes away just wasn't gonna work.

Over the course of the summer I spent many Sundays at a church I ADORE. There were so many things I wanted to get involved in. But I was so hesitant, because it was in Holland, and even though that is my #lifegoals city, my home was looking like it would be Grandville, and most of my work even further east. Bumdog millionaire. Physically I was part of the church, but mentally and emotionally I just couldn't invest in the people or programs because 45 minutes each way a couple times a week IN THE SNOW isn't cool.

But then two weeks ago...VISION SUNDAY. And I was already on board with the vision, but hearing it cast by Brian, seeing it in all it's bullet-pointed glory....I was hooked. Excellence. The heart of this church is so, so, SO good. The problem with getting hooked is...well...you're hooked. And I decided I wanted to commit to this church. Housing, job...God will work it out. Imma just do it.

AND HE DID. Whoa baby, He did. Enter the last seven days of my life:

First move in getting involved was emailing the youth pastor (because...duh. You can't be 4 weeks away from a Masters in Youth Ministry and not be a youth leader. At least I can't). And Johnny's all like "Sarahhhhhh! Get to our meeting TONIGHT." Well that's more exciting than homework, so I'm there. We ate pizza (obvi), made a video (Theodora Pufflepants made her grand Michigan appearance...#winning), and then got down to bidness. Loved it. Love the strategy, the intentionality, the heart. I'm all in. And this isn't even about that!

Rewind to pizza. I sit next to my new friend Sherry. The "I live in a camping trailer" has become classic get-to-know-you fodder. It's followed by "but it's about to freeze in the arctic winter of this frozen tundra and I really need to find somewhere else to live lest I turn into a coconut-flavored icicle." Sherry: "Oh, I work down the road at Camp Geneva! You should come live there! Be a retreat host! Live for free! Life is but a dream!" It went something like that.

Rewind to the week before, where I'm meeting with Young Life Bryan and he told me THE EXACT SAME THING. So this thing is worth investigating and Sherry's got my hook-up.

Fast forward 3 days. I'm killing time at Biggby, about the only place I can focus on homework these days. Who's working but Emily, Student Ministry Coordinator by day, barista by night? We just met Wednesday, but she's my friend. We chat, because that's what you do with baristas, and boom, guess who else used to be a host at Geneva?! Hello world, you're still getting smaller.

Holla. Next day. I'm at Geneva being interviewed, and the first question is if I'm related to Tyler. Do I want to claim that? Sure. I hear the deets, I see the house. Ballin. Stacey says, "We love you. We want you. We have to have you." (Again, maybe not her exact words, but that's how I remember it.)

Pause. Is this for REAL?! Like you're offering me JOB and I work in exchange for a FREE place to LIVE and it's in HOLLAND where my CHURCH is?!

5 days. I said yes to God's work in this church, trusting He'd provide a job and place to live. Over the course of the next 5 days, He did.

AND HE DID MORE. Not only will I be a hospitality and retreat host at Geneva and living in this house, but it comes with friends. Community. There's 9 other people who live there, and together we get to be family, all going to school and working at camp and elsewhere and loving Jesus and doing. life. together. Did I mention the house is called the Phat Pad, and these are the people who live/d there?

Let's be real...these are my kind of people. Also, yes Phat Pad Phamily, I did stalk you on Facebook and steal your photo. I get the impression you won't really care.

Also on this day, I met with Johnny and Emily. (Biggby again...because I can). They do Student Ministry. I get their life. I love their life. I'm so, so glad to be led by them and with them. They love Jesus and they love students. They had to interview me and make sure I wasn't a crazy person before I could join the Student Ministry team. I am crazy; they let me anyways.

Last night, day 7. I'm back at church, it's youth group kick-off night. My emotions ranged from This is awesome! to This is overwhelming! to I miss MY kids! to I Love 9-Square! At 9:30 pm, clean-up's done and I'm tapping out. I stop and say goodbye to Emily, meet the guy sitting next to her, and eventually the conversation leads to her saying, "you guys are gonna be roommates!!!" Ha, what? So we start talking because these random meetings are just crazy talk!! But what a fantastic way to end the night...meet another one of the Phat Pad Pham, and hearing that a couple more of the guys are involved in this youth group too. Love.

If you are still reading this, you are a star. I started writing it a week and a half ago, so you're doing better than I did. (I HAD to take a break and get to Florida). Now it's Monday and I'm moving tomorrow - what?!

But getting back to it, I guess I had two reasons I needed to share it all...A) this is the easiest way to communicate to all my friends and family what's going on my life and B) let's recap paragraph two. Say yes to God and his plan for your life. I've done it more in the last six months than ever in my life, and every yes opens up more doors than I even knew existed, doors I couldn't see without opening the one before. It's scary. There's still a lot of unknown and I by no means have all the answers...or any of them. But tonight I'm happy going to bed knowing that tomorrow grand adventure awaits.

PS...this doesn't affect things at the Conference Grounds at all! I will still be working there 15-20 hours a week all winter and then living the trailer life and seeing your beautiful faces all summer! No worries, you can't get rid of me that quick :)

let's be brave together.

After all the feedback on my last post, I think it's time to keep being real about about how the move / new job / life in Michigan have been for the last five months: HARD!  It's not that I hate it or regret my decision; I actually have way too much fun most days and am so at peace. It's just that it's been a transition and transitions are hard! You can't spend your entire adult life in one place and then completely move on overnight. There is a grieving process involved in any change in life, and leaving an entire life behind is no exception. 

Instead of really giving grief the time it needs, I've had to stuff it and get to work...there's 80 kids and a team of staff members relying on me every week. 

Now we don't really have internet at camp, but when the wind blows the right direction sometimes I get a wifi signal, and there's this quote that pops up often on my Pinterest feed: "You have to be brave with your life so that others will be brave with theirs." 

It first came up months ago when I was deliberately searching quotes on bravery, looking for some inspiration as I had just made the decision to go back to Michigan and was looking for some encouragement, someone's words to voice what I was feeling when I couldn't figure out exactly how I was feeling or what I needed to say.

Brave felt like a good word. I was stepping out into the unknown. It was big. It was scary. I needed some courage. There is a ferociousness to brave that I liked. 

In January and February I took this quote to heart. I needed to do this Michigan thing. I needed people to see me do something scary and big so that they would be inspired to do the same. The ability to leave was like a superpower, and I was commended on being "strong" enough to do something so scary.

But now that I've been gone, I don't think the brave thing was leaving. Yeah it was scary and still puts my faith to the test daily, but I don't know that it was brave.

Brave is the way I handle it now that I've left. And this time, brave to me isn't about being strong, it's about being weak, being vulnerable. It's about being not-ok, and being okay with it. Brave is courage, but not in a sense of power...it's courage in my ability to share with others how I'm actually doing. It's admitting that yeah, even though the days are good, I'm still grieving. Yes, somedays I'm still searching for hope, waiting for this all to make sense.

Brave might be one of the easiest things to fake. It's easy to masquerade around in a parade of accomplishments and look-at-me-nows. But when the mask is off? Is the person under it really brave? Or is brave a front for insecurity, loneliness, the feeling that you can't really share how you're doing?

I want brave to be going to church with a tear-streaked face because I'm lonely and I need my people and I need them to know it. Because how will they help me if they don't know my struggles?

In March I was back in Florida for a wedding and able to reconnect with so many people I haven't seen in a long time. I wanted them to think I'm brave so I told them about this big new move. But what if real bravery is found in my ability to tell them "I moved, and you know what? It's been a struggle."

Here's the problem: people really don't know how to deal with that. Oh, yes, some do and they do it well. But I think this kind of brave is unexpected. And that's what makes it important! I've found that being brave in my struggles helps other people be brave in their struggles. 

In the last couple months I've taken notice of the struggles of some of my friends. They are struggling in their jobs, in their marriages, struggling with their weight and with their kids and their own insecurity and loneliness. 

Can't we all just struggle together?

What makes me most sad about all these friends who are struggling is that so many choose to do it on their own. There are the few who have let me in on their struggles...what about all my friends fighting their own battles who aren't brave enough to talk about them yet? Can't we all just struggle together? That would be brave.

I think now I want brave to be synonymous with real. Authentic. Genuine. Brave isn't strength in the struggle, brave is admitting there is a struggle. The courage to be yourself might be the bravest thing you can do.

Let's be brave together.

glimpses of hope

I could have lied.

When the woman sitting next to me in church (who I’d just met 50 minutes ago) asked if I had lunch plans, it would have been so, so easy to respond with a smile and “Yeah, sorry...I have to get back to camp. Thanks though!” and then out the door like normal.

Lies. My “plans” included picking up Qudoba and climbing back into bed with a burrito and One Tree Hill (Season 4, for the 11th time). That plan is so much easier than the hard, awkward work of meeting new people at a new church in a new town. A church I don’t know that I will for sure be attending in a town I don’t know that I’ll live in.

But for whatever reason I said no, I didn’t have plans. It was uncomfortable to answer that way, because I knew what would come next. It did, and when she asked if I like Mexican and wanted to join her family for lunch, I agreed. Fifteen minutes later I was sitting across the table from a precious three-year-old, making faces and eating far-too-large of a burrito. We shared stories of moving and life changing and God at work even when we couldn’t see it. (And of course we played some Dutch Bingo, too). 

It was nothing major. It probably wasn’t a big deal to them. But it spoke volumes to me. For the first time in too long, I felt hope. The hope that comes with taking a risk, the hope that comes with knowing change is around the corner. The hope that says it’s been a rough season, but it won’t stay that way. The hope that says you haven’t lost yourself, you’re still in there somewhere, and here’s a reminder of who you are and why you’re here.

Sometimes it’s hard to have that hope when you live in a camping trailer and aren’t sure where you’ll be living in two months. It’s hard when you don’t know how you’ll pay for that unknown place in two months, because your job is about to be part-time. It’s hard when all your friends are together 1200 miles away and you miss them terribly and wonder if you will ever find a connection like that in your new town. 

These last five months have been, without a doubt, the most challenging months of my life. They’ve been filled with unknown and emotions and more questions than answers. Yet God has been so good in showering me with little glimpses of hope - warm fuzzies, text messages, cinnamon rolls on my stoop (true story), conversations with students, sunsets, and burritos after church. Whatever situation you are in, I pray you find hope where you need it today. And if you’ve got enough hope to pass around, share it. You never know what one word, one invitation, one cup of coffee could mean to someone who just needs a little hope.

love, stories, and creepers in the woods.

Ben was reading Love Does tonight when I walked into the youth center.

Ben = my super fantastic middle school leader

Love Does = incredible book by my friend Bob Goff

Youth Center = because it's summer and we're OPEN! I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22.

Anyways, Ben's reading Love Does, and I'm reminded how fantastic that book is, and I realize that's all I want this summer. I can mope about missing Florida...or bask in the wonder that I'm ACTUALLY back at the Grounds...whatever, but through it all I just want to love people and I want to do stuff. 

And I don't just want to love people at face value, I want to fall madly in love with them. I want to be intrigued by who God is to them and what he's doing in their lives, I want to love the light in their eyes when they talk about what makes them come alive. Obviously I love my middle and high schoolers, that's easy. But I want to love more than that. I want to love my staff...not just for making my life easier, but I want to love them in a way where I know them, learn their stories, know who they are when they leave this place and what really gets them excited in life. The same is true for the rest of staff in other areas of camp. 

Today I stopped by with my watermelon (because mmmm) to join the retirees around a table during their break time. I paused and just glanced around at the twelve-ish of them present, thinking wow...what wisdom I am surrounded by right now! So blessed. I want to know that wisdom and I want to love them for sharing it with me. Sometimes the store girls and lifeguards = DRAMA. (I can say that because I was one of them once...) But you know what? Ima love em anyways. Because they are 19 and that's what life is like and I love them for it. And then there's the lady who walks into the candy store complaining that "it's really hot in here" and the high schooler who's too cool for school and the mom who takes dodgeball WAY too seriously and the creeper in the woods and the the fourth grader sneaking into my activities and the Saturday morning early risers...I'm gonna just LOVE THEM ALL. 

I finished off my "garden party patio" tonight...not just so I can enjoy it (which I do, A LOT) but so that others can! I want them to stop by, sit a while. Let's talk. I can't promise there will be cookies and lemonade in my fridge, but there's a 100% chance I'll have some hummus to share. I fall in love with people's stories. I can't wait for the stories that will be told on that patio this summer, and the love I will have for the storytellers. 

You with me? Cuz I probably can't do it alone. It's hard to love everyone all the time. I know I'm not always lovable, so I can't hold people up to that standard. But I'm certainly going to try my hardest. I'm sure when it's August 11 and there's just "that one kid" someone will need to remind me of what I'm writing right now. Actually, please do. And then let's try to love him together. 

"We love because he first loved us" - 1 John 4:19

PS. The best way to show love to the creeper in the woods may be by approaching him on the Safety and Security golf cart, siren light flashing. With someone big and strong at your side. Just sayin. 

25 Books You Need in Your Life

So I've written about zero blogposts in the last...oh...three months. At least. Whoops. I've started more thoughts than I could count, but actually polishing off the writing and sharing it has been non-existent. I blame it on the move and the fact that I haven't spent more than four nights in the same place in the last two months.

That being said, let's go to a list. Lists are easy. And when I posted this photo on Instagram today and was asked for my booklist, I decided this was the best platform to share it.

So, in no particular order, here are the 25 best books I've read in the last 3-ish years. And I use the word "best" pretty loosely, but essentially I'm talking about the books that I credit as life-shaping in my journey, books that I wanted to devour but paced myself so they wouldn't end, books I wanted to buy for every person I know, books that slapped me across the face and books that I wanted to be able to write someday. These are the books that put words to what I wanted to say and left me still speechless. First, a list of the books, and then below, my thoughts...

1) Love Does, Bob Goff
2) Seven, Jen Hatmaker
3) Scary Close, Donald Miller
4) Bittersweet, Shauna Niequist
5) A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Donald Miller
6) Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist
7) The Circle Maker, Mark Batterson
8) Sun Stand Still, Steven Furtick
9) Through Painted Deserts, Donald Miller
10) Crazy Love, Francis Chan
11) Plan B, Pete Wilson
12) When God Writes Your Love Story, Eric and Leslie Ludy
13) Interrupted, Jen Hatmaker
14) A Million Little Ways, Emily Freeman
15) Let's all Be Brave, Annie Downs
16) Packing Light, Alison Vesterfelt
17) Notes from a Blue Bike, Tsh Oxenreider
18) Living Your Strengths, Clifton and Wiseman
19) The Wisdom of Stability, Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove
20) Bread and Wine, Shauna Niequist
21) Freefall to Fly, Rebekah Lyons
22) All In, Mark Batterson
23) The Lipstick Gospel, Stephanie May Wilson
24) Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller
25) I've Never Been to Vegas but my Luggage Has, Mandy Hale

1) Love Does, Bob Goff
If I could only read one book for the rest of my life, and make everyone else in my life read it, it would be this. Also, if I could only listen to one speaker or have one friend, it would be Bob...and any of my friends who have heard him would take no offense at all at that statement.

2) Seven, Jen Hatmaker
ROCKED MY WORLD. I want to be friends with Jen and this book makes me feel so dumb for how spoiled I live my life. Definitely a face slap in the best way.

3) Scary Close, Donald Miller
Therapy in a book. It brought up issues in my life I didn't know where there, but in a good way, not a paranoid bad way. So thought-provoking on how I interact in relationships.

4) Bittersweet, Shauna Niequist
Shauna is my soul sister in every way. She just gets me. Every chapter felt like a page out of my journal, but the way she words thing just makes my heart happy.

5) A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Donald Miller
Oh this one...I read the entire thing in a day in a hammock on the beach. The idea of life as a story, and it makes me want to live a better one.

6) Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist
See Bittersweet, #4. I love Shauna.

7) The Circle Maker, Mark Batterson
Definitely one to read with a highlighter. Topic = praying big prayers and claiming big dreams.

8) Sun Stand Still, Steven Furtick
See #7,

9) Through Painted Deserts, Donald Miller
He road-tripped for three months in a Volkswagen van. Umm, come on. My dream life?!

10) Crazy Love, Francis Chan
This will make you hate how you do church and just want to be like Jesus.

11) Plan B, Pete Wilson
So good, thoughts on when your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, and why that's probably a good thing.

12) When God Writes Your Love Story, Eric and Leslie Ludy
I hate cheesy Christian dating books. HATE them. BUT...one time I was sitting in an aisle seat, and talking to a girl, my age, in the window seat. After a talk about relationships, she set a book on the middle seat: "You don't have to read this, but I just really think you would like it. So I'm just gonna set it here, and if you want to read it, you can, but I won't feel bad if you don't." I didn't...but five months later I went and bought it, and it was exactly what I needed. Such clarity in my life.

13) Interrupted, Jen Hatmaker
See #2.

14) A Million Little Ways, Emily Freeman
The creative dreamer's dream. This book just makes me want to create and make art and turn everything into worship.

15) Let's all Be Brave, Annie Downs
This one came at a time when I needed some bravery. Just a great single girl anthem about making the most out of every day.

16) Packing Light, Alison Vesterfelt
Again, life goals. She took an amazing road trip, essentially trying to find herself and figure out life. Ahh...it's all about getting rid of baggage. So good.

17) Notes from a Blue Bike, Tsh Oxenreider
And once more...life goals. If you are a mom of young kids, this is a must read. Also, follow her on instagram. She is the definition of an adventurer and I love that her whole family's in it together.

18) Living Your Strengths, Clifton and Wiseman
This book told me so much about myself, why I do what I do based on personality...ie I procrastinate because of my high levels of adaptability.

19) The Wisdom of Stability, Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove
This book kept me in Florida at a time when I desperately wanted to go. There is so much good that comes out of planting yourself in one community and committing for it.

20) Bread and Wine, Shauna Niequist
See #4 and #6, and add some amazing recipes and a desire to sit at Lake Michigan all day.

21) Freefall to Fly, Rebekah Lyons
A book about finding freedom from depression and cultural expectations to discover who we really are.

22) All In, Mark Batterson
"Jesus did not die just to keep us safe. He died to make us dangerous."

23) The Lipstick Gospel, Stephanie May Wilson
Oh I really like her. So real. Stephanie's weekly emails might be just as good as her book. I felt like we were sisters going out for coffee and she was telling me stories from life that kept me asking for more.

24) Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller
Ok it's been a long time since I've read this one...but I just love anything Don does, so I had to include it.

25) I've Never Been to Vegas but my Luggage Has, Mandy Hale
The entire time I was reading I was like, "this can't be real." Every story is crazier than the one before. Another single girl anthem, but in Nashville so come. on.

So, have you read any of there? What's on your list?

Also...many of these, while reading them, made me think of specific friends, because of words I thought they needed or topics they might like. Sooooo if you made it through this entire list, and want to know where I would recommend you start, let me know!!

Yes: the one about surrender.

Last week in youth group I gave maybe my most heartfelt, raw, and vulnerable message ever and was overwhelmed by the response. I'm moving across the country in four weeks, leaving this group I love, to go minister somewhere else. I don’t think the lessons God has has been teaching me in this time of change are just for me, but they’re meant to be shared. If you missed it last Wednesday night, here’s my heart.

So on Sunday we talked about Elijah, and what it means to hear and follow the gentle whispers of God. This is the story of my life lately! Moving to Michigan started as just a whisper, lost in the noise of life, but the more I sought God, the more I knew what my decision would be. God gave me the answer in one word: surrender.

There’s a couple problems with that. 1) I’m a control freak. Surrendering means giving up control, and letting someone else do something. And 2) I like to win. When you surrender in battle or in a game, you let the other team take the victory. Your name is wiped away as you admit defeat. And I’m not a fan of that.

Michigan and the decision to move there became an area I had to surrender. And certainly YOU have something to surrender, too.

I think one of the hardest things about surrender is that you’re not just saying goodbye to the past, to memories made and history with a place or people. In addition to all that (which is difficult in itself), you’re surrendering a future. It’s like a break-up. You’re not just sad that it’s over, you’re also mourning the future you’ll never have with that person. All the plans and dreams...changed with one decision. Goodbye everyday present life, and goodbye future.

When we say we surrender, we say we have no fear of the future. Or because we’re human and fear comes all too natural, maybe what we’re saying is that in our fear, we trust. Trust God and his perfect plan for us.

When we surrender, we say yes to God. There are three ways we do this:

1. Obey and say yes. 
2. Go to work. 
3. Decide everyday.  

Take Abraham, for example. Classic “obey and say yes” story time and again. His story starts with a choice to make, a decision between packing up his family and all their possessions and heading to an unknown land OR staying right where he was. With an unforeseeable future in sight, all he had to go on was God’s promise to bless him.

One of my favorite verses the last four months is Hebrews 11:8. “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going” (NIV). EVEN THOUGH he did not know where he was going!! That part blows me away. Faith. Surrender. You’re never still with God. You’re always in constant motion, moving toward him or away. Abraham literally moved toward God.

Fast forward a bunch of years, and Isaac is born. Isaac, Abe and Sarah’s long-awaited promised child. He’s the first descendent in the fulfillment of the promise and to say they were joyful is an understatement. But then God tells Abraham that He’s going to take Isaac from them. And not like kidnapped-in-the-middle-of-the-night take, but a you’re-going-to-take-a-knife-to-your-son take. Crazy symbolism right here with the Son of God, but that’s another message.

I can’t even imagine waiting, longing for something for YEARS, just to have it taken from me a day or week after I get it. And this is an actual human person, Abe’s own flesh and blood.

But God’s plans and his promises are bigger than his people. He remains faithful even when we are faithless. I don’t think that God gave Abraham this test of sacrificing his son to trip him up and question his faith, but to deepen his obedience and develop his character. God didn’t necessarily want Isaac to die, but he wanted Abraham to sacrifice Isaac (his most important treasure) in his heart so that it would be evident that Abraham loved God more than he loved his son. Loving your son isn’t a bad thing. Loving people is actually a very good thing. But loving anything more that you love God is not okay.

It’s hard to let go of what we deeply love. Yet when we do what God asks, he gives us far more than we could dream. The spiritual blessings outweigh the sacrifice.

For me, this church is what I love. This youth group is what I love. But God’s asking me to let it go. Why? Because it’s more important that I love Him.

I find so much joy and love in being your youth pastor...but too often I also find my identify in it...and that’s not ok! My identity needs to be found in Christ alone.

When I told a friend I was leaving, her response to me was: “one of my first thoughts is what is Legacy without Sarah?” I quickly told her that one of my first thoughts was “who am I without Legacy?” But woah...so scary if I don’t know the answer to that! Because all of a sudden my identity is found in serving Christ, but not in Christ himself. Serving Christ is great, it’s what we’re called to do, but it’s not where we find identity. I want my identity so wrapped up in Christ that He is all I need.

I go back to that passage in Hebrews. “Abraham...obeyed and went...even though he did not know where he was going.” I want the same to be said of me. Sarah obeyed and went even though she did not know where she was going.

Step number two of surrender is go to work. My girl Ruth is the perfect example here. She’s recently widowed, which is pretty much the worst life can throw at her. She’s set up to be taken advantage of, ignored, and poor. She can get out of it, go back to her home and family and remarry and start her own family...

But she doesn’t. She sticks with her mother-in-law, claiming her God and her people. She gives up security, children, a future...in order to care of Naomi.

So she goes to work. She doesn’t just sit there and be a widow. In Ruth 2:2 we read that she goes out into the fields and picks up the leftover grain. She takes initiative. She’s not afraid of admitting a need and then working hard to supply it.

If you’re waiting for God to provide, consider this: He may be waiting for you to take the first step to demonstrate just how important your need is. 

Ruth demonstrates consistent character in how she follows God, and it pays off. In fact, in her story, God is working in ways she didn’t even know. Spoiler alert: she gets the prince and lives happily ever after. When she stepped foot in the field that day, she didn’t know that the owner of that field would one day be her husband. But he was...and that would have never happened without that first decision to stay with Naomi...and then go to work.

When I worked as a camp youth director in college I had no idea God was preparing me to work with with youth as an adult. The first time I stepped foot in Legacy (eight years ago!!) I had no idea I would walk through those doors approximately 2,147 more times. When Wes needed someone to teach a lesson to a group of Middle Schoolers on a Wednesday night I had no idea that a year later it would be my full-time job for the next five and a half years. I also had no idea those same middle schoolers would grow up to be RA’s and camp counselors, spiritual leaders to their own groups of kids.

It makes me wonder what I will look back on in another eight years, what’s happening in my life now that is just preparation for the future.

I don’t think God works through coincidences. God works through divine appointments we don’t even know yet. In August, soon after I was offered my new position, I went to the beach and re-read through the last three years of my journals. I began to see how God has been weaving this story, preparing me to go. I wrote:

“I’m beginning to view my life more as missional and less as ‘mine’. It means moving to Michigan is not committing to a lifetime, it’s committing to ‘now’ and when God calls again, I’ll go.

I look back at Emily Wireman’s word to me a year ago this month, about how God knows the deepest desires of my heart and he wants to give them to me. I thought that was about adoption - but what if the deepest desire of my heart is the Grounds? It can’t really be a surprise...to anyone.

I just read the poem I wrote at the Grounds on 8/14/13: He takes me hand // reminds me of promises tried and true // things He’s done and things yet to do.

‘Things yet to do’...maybe that’s our theme for next summer.

I wrote... ‘I love it here. I never want it to end. I don’t want to leave. I feel alive and free. I’m away from distraction, filled with satisfaction, joy unending overflows. It floods my soul.’

September 2013 I wrote - God, give me community. Show me a group where I can be known. Where I’m love an accepted for Sarah. Not just the youth pastor or teacher or daughter.

Wow...talk about the Grounds, talk about the deepest desires of my heart. I didn’t even know it.

In January I prayed that 2014 would bring more that I could ask or imagine. ‘Not that I have answers, but that I see God through the questions.’ Wow...definitely no clear answers today, but so many questions I see God through!

In February (2014) I wrote that ‘there’s no foreseeable reason, but I just can’t shake the feeling like my time at Legacy is drawing to a close.’

In March (2014) I prayed ‘God, I need a renewed passion and vision for this place or I need to go.’

In April (2014) I prayed ‘How do I know when it’s time? When will I know it’s time to say goodbye and start over?’

In May (2014): ‘How I miss the Grounds. I long for simpler days and time where life didn’t always seem like such a struggle.’

In July (2014), at the Grounds, I wrote: ‘If I could freeze time I would’ and ‘Retreat, refresh, relax, remember // celebrate days past // dream of what’s to come // reflecting on all you’ve done // gives me hope of all you’ve yet to do.’” **

Guys, I just can’t even. Two summers in a row I wrote of “things yet to do” IN THE VERY PLACE I AM NOW MOVING and I had NO idea. That last one was two weeks before the job was offered to me. The position wasn’t even open when I wrote that! But like Ruth, even though I couldn’t see the end, every day I went to work. One day, one step, and it’s led me here.

And then there’s point number three: decide every day. 

In Matthew 4:18-22, Jesus calls Peter and Andrew to follow Him. It says they left their nets AT ONCE. Shortly after, he calls James and John, who IMMEDIATELY followed. These guys already knew who Jesus was. They knew what he stood for. So they gave no excuses about why it wasn’t a good time, they just went. They left their dad (and according to Mark, their hired men) and followed. They didn’t know where they were going, but they knew who they were following.

But they had to decide every day. We see Peter struggling with this more than once. At one point they are fishing, it’s not going well, and Jesus makes a suggestion. Peter doubts him, but it works! (Duh, it’s Jesus). So then Peter says this: “Oh Lord, please leave me - I’m too much of a sinner to be around you” (Luke 5:8). But Jesus replies “Don’t be afraid! From now on you’ll be fishing for people!” (v. 10). Did you catch what just happened there? Jesus calls Peter again. It’s an every day calling, an every day decision.

In the first chapter of the book of John, we see Jesus hanging out with his disciples, and as they’re following Him he turns around and asks “What do you want?” Again...duh, He’s Jesus. He knows what they want. I think is real question is “why are are you following me?” When we make that every day decision to follow, we need to be sure we’re following for the right reasons.

To follow Christ for our own purposes is asking Christ to follow us. It’s asking Him to join with us to advance and support our cause, not His. Let’s examine our motives for a minute...are we seeking His glory or ours? 

So this Peter I mentioned earlier...technically his name is still Simon. But in John 1:42 Jesus looks at Him and says, “Your name is Simon, but you will be called Peter.” Peter, which means rock. This guy who constantly doubts, who has to decide every day, is a rock? Well no, not at this point.

But Jesus gave him a name he would grow into, something to aim for.

As a youth pastor at Legacy, I’m working my dream job. When I started I didn’t know it. And now I’m going to take a job I will love, but right now it’s not my favorite.

But God’s giving me a new name and I have a choice about what it will be.

My name can be FEAR. Because I’m scared. The future is unknown and I don’t know where I am going.

Or my name can be SURRENDER. Because I trust in the God who holds to future. 

As far as I know, none of you are facing decisions to move to Michigan anytime soon. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t areas of your life that God’s asking you to surrender. What is it you have a tight grip on? What won’t you let go of? What are you scared of?

Trusting God means pushing past that fear. We hear so often “Trust in the Lord...and he will make your paths straight.”

When did we confuse straight for smooth? Straight means God will get us from point A to point B...but it doesn’t mean anything about the condition of the road in between! The verse doesn’t say smooth, but it does give us assurance of who is directing those paths. 

In October, when I was two weeks out from having to announce a public decision I had already made in my heart, I wrote this in my journal (through many, MANY tears on my very favorite beach in the world):

When you say yes to God, you leave a job you adore - and are adored at. You did it before, and you ended up there, and you know if God did it once He will do it again.

When you say yes to God, you say no to the raise, and graciously live on the much smaller budget.

When you say yes to God, you pack up your three bedroom home and move back in with your parents until the right housing option, unknown to you now, opens up.

When you say yes to God, you close the office door to you “second home” for a final time. It’s the place where your best friends work, where you’ve been pranked, surprised,  showered with gifts, and even spent the night a couple times...and you open your new door to an office in a building where you work by yourself.

When you say yes to God, you relish nights like this, dusk on Anna Maria Island, because you know all to soon they will be gone and the sun will set at 4:30.

When you say yes to God, you say good morning to yourself, and not that darling 14-month-old face down the hall.

When you say yes to God, you throw away your calendar and say yes to the plans He has for your life. It’s a daily calendar...and you can’t turn the pages. It’s knowledge of one day at a time, and what comes will come.

When you say yes to God, you say goodbye to the 11-23 year olds - hundreds of them now - that you spent EIGHT years pouring into and hello to a whole new flock who don’t even know your name.

When you say yes to God, you say “see you later” to little faces who call you Auntie Sarah, belonging to kids you knew in the womb, not knowing when “later” will be.

When you say yes to God, you stop flirting with all the nice guys coming your way because you know all too soon you’ll be gone and the distance isn’t fair.

When you say yes to God, you adios:

• comfort
• safety
• sense of purpose
• celebrity
• family
• routine

And you trade them in for faith. Faith that God is who He says He is and will do all He has said He will do. Faith that God will do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine. Faith that the God who told you to jump will be the God there when You land. Faith that at the end of it all, God will look at you and say, ‘well done, good and faithful servant.’

July 2014 in Michigan...an attempt to freeze time.

**Please don’t read that journal entry and think “Wow, Sarah really hates Legacy.” This is a combination of things I’ve written over the years, but I promise there is SO MUCH LOVE for Legacy in those same books :)

P.S. There’s a pretty substantial list of songs God’s used to speak to me in the last couple months. Check out my playlist here: surrender

P.P.S. You can read my original announcement to my congregation here.